as i sit down to write this chapter, to finish off my thesis – literally the last piece of the puzzle before submission – i find myself frowning a lot, and a knot in my chest grows and grows. it makes me restless, i want to get up, make a drink, or go for a walk, or not, or sit back down, i dont know. i come to write this chapter and my whole body resists. why why do this?? i want this to be done, but i dont know how to do it. all i have to do is finish… finish… finish…
i cant think straight. i cant think crooked enough to be clever though either. in my head over and over ‘i cant, i cant, i cant’. how do i stop that, it’s like a song? a bad earworm that wont get out. OUT damn song (spot).
i just got distracted writing this blog post. what does THAT say, that i cant even concentrate on this one little thing for a second. what the fuck.
getting up and doing anything else literally paralysing with guilt “you should be working” yeah well what good is that doing right now anyway? get fucked
So I gave this talk at Critical Proximity a couple weeks back and tried to just share some memorys from blaggin and doing CritDist. My slides are here on the CritProx website.
These guys are the best of the best.
Quick relfecx on going private
I went private because I am getting bored on twitter and I haven’t done it before thought id try it out
So here’s some quick thots:
- I get no RTs now. That’s a weird thing to ‘give up’ I guess? Idk.
- I behave 100% no different as private (so far) but maybe that’s bc its still all the same old followers? Mine is not a tiny account for gripes and stuff mostly I have escaped attention through Bayesian flooding – too much noise to make sense of any one thing that might “get me in trouble” with anyone I guess?
- Tons of my friends have no got multiple thousands of followers, even 10s of thousands, and sometimes that’s being a hassle. I said I was happy with my 1900 and I also wanted to see if that really was the case, whether “swearing off” the social-audience-growth elements of a twitter account would mean a “loss” to me in any way???? Can the “exclusivity” of a highly followed private acct do anything a public account can’t in terms of cultivating an audience – or a niche????
- I have been disengaging a bit from twitter for a while, just from exhaustion and boredom – a confluence of being overworked and mad stressed, and also from kind of being bored of twitter having the same arguments, the same kinds of engagements, the same slightly misconstrued miscommunications. I guess I’m getting a little tired of the knee-jerkyness of twitter sometimes too. Like maybe this is part and parcel of me trying to do really deep thinking in my thesis and twitter is not really helping that habit/desire/need etc.
- going private means NO ONE who doesnt follow you will see tweets you send to them. in one sense this encourages disengagement but in ANOTHER sense I now want to tweet shit at people and only my followers will see it?? prviate jape???? (theres potential here but idk what it is)
- Plus, god I hate saying this I love you all, but fuckin hell I follow some iditios on titter
- What is my theory of social change? Ann Deslandes asked this on twitter a while back and I guess I don’t have a good idea, but I guess I thought (think?) it involves some kind of role for myself as a public person, public intellectual, well what if there isn’t room to do that justice on tiwtter or in public anywhere in the parts of public life that correspond to Jodi Dean’s description of ‘communicative capitalism’ stuff – endless circulation, all content, no message ever responded to??? (but even that is a particular critique only applies to, I guess, governmetns or states??? Not to individuals and small groups or corporations?? Cf. the Mozilla CEO – Mary Hamilton had the best take)
- Graeber argues that the Axial age advent of coinage (and the military/imperial/commercial complex that grew up around it) as having the effect of somehow giving birth to, or encouraging materialism is really fucking disturbing and giving me the heebee jeebies. Its like putting on the glasses in They Live and seeingthe ideology, but it’s also strangely, what I’ve been trying to conclude in my thesis and its really just leaving me with MORE questions about my role, my thinking, my aesthetics and what I do in practise…
This is perhaps the greatest game ever made, all attempts to top it are in vain. Give up on your puny pathetic games now. Thus spake the 10rd.