i hate men doesn’t mean i hate you. it means i hate your position in this world. it means i’m not obligated to like you. it means i don’t have to talk to you if i don’t want to. it means i get to have my space and i don’t have to dance for you, smile at you, or soothe you. and you can put up with me being wary of you, can’t you, because the world has a fucking red carpet waiting for you wherever you go.
Incredible, moving stuff, and the kind of thing that it took to really get through to me back-in-the-day. I do feel bad tho, knowing how many people out there just will not get this, and will not understand it, will not comprehend the depth of meaning and the nuance and, above all, i guess something like the literary character of this piece… that’s not to say that it’s only to be read literarily, or as an allegory or something – i read it as entirely sincere. but there’s a performative element, and element that maybe derrida would jizz over and say was “unrepreesntable” or something like that god fucking dammit why does everyone have to be so literal, so bloody minded all the time idk idk idk sping around three times and touch the ground bags not it.
its a worthy piece.
Probably the best of these type of video I’ve seen. But also the music suuuuuucks so…
if someone asked me right now and forced me to answer honestly, “will you miss gdc?” i would have to answer “not especially.” this is not because it wasnt good or great or amazing – it certainly was all those things at times for me. and its not because i wont miss the people, because i will. instead its because i cannot really have normal human responses right now. as ive mentioned to a couple of people, i am just so completely overwhelmed and overshadowed by the entire thesis object, which looms over and above me, blocking out all the light and any ability to see and live normally. i have been living with it, in this final interstitial “finishing” phase, for over a year now and it has restricted my ability to anticipate and enjoy anything fully. its a terrifying gradual process and i had no idea what i was getting into when i started… i had no idea this was going to be the result. I cant even imagine how long or what it will take to get me back to being me again. such is its force that it prevents me from envisioning credibly anything post-phd… maybe it will only take a day, or a week, from handing it in. whatever, dont go having any strong feelings about my situation either, its no ones fault but mine and its not the end of the world… its just a numbing, a deadening of the sensory responses by the always present knowledge that it’s not yet done. it literally sucks all my ability for anticipation because i literally want nothing else more than for it to be done. but that want is not a fiery want, its more like a smouldering coal fire, deep underground that changes the geological makeup of the local environment. there might not be much felt heat or smoke, but its there… underground… waiting… working…
also theres something a bit disenchanting about being at GDC without having done anything really vital in the scene for so long. i didnt really have anything to tell people about or discuss excitedly. im not making a game, not reviewing games, not even critiquing games, barely even publishing about games… its fine, im pivoting, but its weird. its always been weird. who the hell am i in games anyway? who was i and who will i be? are these questions even worth asking? …
shoutouts to some amazing people this week who managed to penetrate even my soporific stupor: richard lemarchand who literally brings tears to my eyes when i think about him sometimes. harry lee who provokes similar feelings and admiration. my friend brendan keogh who is basically a rock of a human being, does anything upset that man? who can say. michael abbott who is a fucking rock star. laura parker who is completely and utterly fearless and charming. kris ligman who deserves a better world than this one.
shout outs to everyone i hung out with and shout-outs to all the other really cool people who i didnt get to spend as much time as i would have liked to, too many to name, too many to note.
“At a time when efficiency has the status of dogma, we are all subject to its discipline, and in our stressed-out state, before and after work, we all have to put up with physically exhausting compressions in uncomfortable spaces and annoying waiting periods owing to breakdowns in the traffic flow. This is the paradox of antisocial behaviour in a society that would like to see itself as social.” p.31“Every time I was squeezed in the metro at rush hour, I now knew that this was the RATP’s way of adapting the supply of transportation to the demand. What an economic function its elasticity is the flexibility of my body!” p.95
Actually it wasn’t terribly anything, except terribly bland.
One of the most popular ways people like to hate teenage girls is to complain about their “insane” crushes on boy band members. Now, let me fucking tell you something: those big dumb crushes are what helps a teenage girl develop her sexuality in a safe environment that she can control. In her world, she can listen to One Direction and hear all these songs about how great she is, and how much these cute non-threatening boys want to make her feel special. Why is this so important? Because no one is pushing them. There’s no fourteen year old boy shoving his clammy hands down your shirt without your consent. These fantasy boys are not convincing a girl to send naked pictures, only to show all their friends and call her a slut. In the fantasy land of boy bands, the girl has all the power. And we need to stop judging them for wanting to escape into that.
Go read the whole essay.